Recognising depression in someone else
People with depression do not always say they are depressed. You may notice that someone:
- seems low, flat, tearful or irritable for weeks
- has lost interest in things they used to enjoy
- is withdrawing from friends, family or activities
- is sleeping much more or much less, or seems exhausted
- is struggling at work or with everyday tasks
- is drinking more
- talks negatively about themselves or the future
The symptoms page has a fuller list.
Starting the conversation
It can feel awkward to raise it, but most people are relieved when someone notices. A few tips:
- Pick a good moment. Somewhere private and relaxed. Talking side by side, on a walk or in the car, can feel less intense.
- Say what you have noticed, gently. “You’ve seemed really down lately. How are you doing?”
- Ask open questions. The NHS suggests questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no, such as “How have things been for you?”
- Listen more than you talk. The NHS says just listening and taking someone seriously can be more helpful than trying to offer solutions.
- Be patient. They may not want to talk the first time. Let them know the door is open.
What to say and avoid
Mind suggests that simple, caring messages help most.
| Things that can help | Things that usually don’t |
|---|---|
| “I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I’m here for you.” | “Cheer up.” |
| “You’re important to me.” | “Just think positively.” |
| “What can I do to help today?” | “Other people have it much worse.” |
| “It’s not your fault.” | “Have you tried going for a run?” |
Avoid anything that suggests they are choosing to feel this way, or that one simple change will fix it. Depression is an illness, not a lack of effort.
Practical ways to help
Mind suggests that small, practical help often means a lot:
- keep in touch with regular texts or short calls, even if they do not reply much
- help with everyday tasks, such as shopping or cooking a meal
- offer to help find information or book a GP appointment
- offer to go with them to appointments, or wait outside
- invite them to low-pressure activities, like a short walk, without being upset if they say no
Try to support rather than take over. Doing everything for someone can make them feel less capable. Encourage them to do what they can.
Encouraging them to get help
Mind points out that you cannot force an adult to get help for depression. But you can reassure them that asking for help is OK and that support is available.
You could:
- share information about treatment for depression
- mention that, in England, adults can refer themselves to NHS Talking Therapies without seeing a GP
- suggest writing down symptoms before a GP appointment. Getting diagnosed has a checklist
- if they are already being treated, encourage them to keep going and to tell their doctor if things are not improving
Warning signs of suicide
Some people with depression have thoughts of suicide. Most people who feel suicidal do not actually want to die. Samaritans explains that they usually want the way they are feeling, or the situation they are in, to stop. With support, these feelings can pass.
Mind lists signs that someone may be feeling suicidal. They might:
- talk about feeling hopeless, trapped or like a burden
- talk about wanting to die or not wanting to be here
- become withdrawn, or suddenly change their behaviour
- seem very anxious, angry or hopeless
- use more alcohol or drugs, or act recklessly
- have trouble sleeping, or sleep much more than usual
- say goodbye to people as if they will not see them again
Not everyone shows signs. If you are worried, trust that feeling and check in.
Asking directly about suicide
It can feel frightening to ask someone if they are thinking about suicide. Many people worry that asking might put the idea in their head. Samaritans says this is a myth. Asking someone directly about suicide can protect them. It gives them permission to tell you how they feel.
You could ask:
- “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”
- “Have you felt like you want to end your life?”
Use calm, plain words. If they say yes:
- Stay calm and listen. Let them talk. Do not judge or argue.
- Take it seriously. Samaritans says to always take suicidal thoughts seriously. You do not have to solve their problems.
- Ask if they are safe right now. If they are in immediate danger, call 999.
- Help them get support. Encourage them to contact their GP, NHS 111 or Samaritans on 116 123. Offer to make the call with them.
- Think about a safety plan. Mind and Samaritans suggest helping someone make a plan listing warning signs, things that help them cope, and people and services to contact. The urgent help page explains more.
- Share the load. If you can, involve other people they trust, with their agreement where possible.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone with depression can be tiring and worrying. Mind reminds carers that their own mental health matters too.
- Set boundaries. Be honest about what you can and cannot do.
- Take breaks. Keep time for your own friends, rest and activities.
- Share the support. Involve others so it does not all fall on you.
- Talk to someone. A friend, your GP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling.
- Know when to step back. Samaritans advises knowing when to step back to look after yourself.
If you support a partner or family member at work, depression and work may also be useful.